Colonization is a bitch

Alright, so I mentioned Liberia back in the last post.

So what the fuck happened to Liberia, right?
so way back in 1816 in the US,
a bunch of american dudes (and i say dudes, cause women never seem to get these crazy-ass ideas) decide the best thing to do with all these black former slaves is to send them back to africa.
there weren't actually a ton of these former slaves
cause, you know, those slave owners didn't like giving up their 'property'
but the white people were still freaking out over the idea of having a bunch of literate, educated black people around
(who knows what might happen, one might get elected president or something)
so a bunch of white and black people got together
and founded the American Colonization Society
(you could call it that back in the day cause that was before 'colonization' sounded really, really shitty)
which was trying to get a bunch of free black people to found a colony in africa
the white people involved were like 'awesome, won't have to worry about all those free black people messing with our hegemony'
and the black people involved were like 'awesome, we get to go somewhere where we don't get shat on every day'
so they get a bunch of free black people and put em on a boat with some supplies and send em to africa.
they get to a place white people were calling the pepper coast
cause white people at the time just called places in west africa by what you get there
like calling california 'strawberry-land' or texas 'the home of beef' or las vegas 'herpes'
so these free american black people get to africa
and start buying/stealing/tricking-the-locals-out-of a bunch of land
guess they picked that up from the white people in america
so by the 1840s the ACS was pretty much bankrupt
so they told the americo-liberians
(which is what you call all those free american black people)
'alright, dudes, we're fucking broke, go be independent or something'
so the americo-liberians were like,
'alright. we're independent. here's our constitution:
we used to be in america, where we got shat on all day.
we don't wanna be shat on any more, so we've got a new country
blah blah blah, form of government'
so hey, what do you notice about this?
oh shit, they don't mention any of the people that ARE ACTUALLY FROM THERE ORIGINALLY
so basically, you got about 3000 colonists, all originally from america
and a fucktonhell load of locals
don't even know how many, cause all those colonists seemed to have forgotten to count
(probably at least a million)
doesn't matter anyways, cause they're not citizens and can't vote or anything
so its not like it matters how many there are
so the americo-liberians went about building a bunch of houses
that looked a lot like plantation houses
and got a bunch of the locals to work on them
SOUND KIND OF SUSPICIOUS YET?
so yeah, they just proceeded to shit upon the locals over and over again
and founded their own political party called the 'true whig party'
which ruled the fucking country for a hell of a long time
like
until 1980
it wasn't too hard, cause they didn't allow any other parties
oh did i mention that pretty much everybody who ruled the country by that point were FREEMASONS?
not that i think its some kind of conspiracy, but thats kinda interesting shit
oh so back in 1930 the rulers of the country actually got caught selling slave labor.
wtf?
i mean i know there were plenty of africans who sold slaves to the europeans and americans
but shit, they weren't slaves before, and they didn't found their country to, like, get away from slavery.
so anyways, they went through a rebellion by native liberians, like, every few years
but in 1980 they got overthrown by a native guy named Samuel Doe
and it was ok for like a little while
but then it got all chaosy
like it usually does
and then there was a civil war until 1996
when Charles Taylor took over
(i love how liberians all seem to have really boring-ass names)
he actually got voted in clean
but in 1999
(liberians don't waste time)
there was another rebellion
with tons of other groups involved
and all the countries around got all up in that shit and backed one group or another
eventually, in 2005, shit died down enough to have an election
they elected Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf
who in addition to breaking the trends of
being a man
being all dictator-y
and having a boring-ass name
actually seems like she gives a shit
but its not all roses for liberia yet
i mean, its a hell of a lot better
but to give you an idea, you wanna know what happened to Samuel Doe?
this guy Prince Johnson, no relation to Ellen, his men tortured and killed him
on video
while Prince Johnson is sitting there with a budweiser
so that guy Prince Johnson? he's in senate right now.
so they got some shit they gotta deal with, for sure.
but it's a hell of a lot better than being ruled by a bunch of former-slaves-then-slaveowning-true-whig-single-party-boring-named-freemasons.

the end. for now.

Always read the Italian version, also, don't try to invade Ethiopia on leap day

Alright, so check this out, this is how it happened,

So back in the 1800's, all the Europeans decided they want some Africa cause their countries are too small and shit and they have size issues, so they start buying and raping and stealing all these African countries and totally pretending that nobody, like, actually lived there and owned that shit before they got there.
And towards the end, the only country that none of them went and took was Ethiopia, or Abyssinia, as the cool kids called it at the time.
And Liberia, which the US had for, like, a minute, then sent a bunch of American black guys to pretend to be European white guys and get all oppression on their asses, so they got that covered.
So Abyssinia has this way old history that's totally badass, but none of you fucks care cause all you think about when you hear Ethiopia is, like, charity singles and starving kids and shit.

So instead, I'm gonna tell you about how Ethiopia kicks ass.
So, all these other countries got all these other colonies all over Africa, right
Like, the British got kinda the east side and the south side, the French got the west side, the Germans and the Portuguese got little chunks here and there, and the Belgians got a bigass chunk in the middle, for basically fuckall reasons.
Now, the Italians, who had pretty much just figured out what the fuck Italy was by that point, ended up with a couple of bits here and there, like Libya, Eritrea, and the currently more fucked up parts of Somalia.
So Italy is looking over at Abyssinia, which is just sitting there between two of its colonies, being all uncolonized and shit, and is like, daaaaaymn, gotta get a piece of that.
So they get to talking to this one king out in Abyssinia, this guy Menelik of Shewa, and they're like, we'll help you become the king of all the kings (literally, that's what they call the emperor out there, the King of Kings)
So they do this, and Menelik's like, sure, I'll sign that treaty with you, making sure you keep Eritrea. This is in 1889
But here's where Italy tried to pull a fast one on the Abyssinians.
They wrote two treaties, right, one in Italian, one in Amharic.
Well, the fucking treaties DIDN'T SAY THE SAME THING.
The Amharic side said they could relay messages through Italy, like Italy was, like, a friend who occasionally drops off your shit in Europe.
The Italian side said they HAD to relay messages through Italy, like Italy was Abyssinia's fucking dad or something, and basically makes them a fucking colony.
So Menelik (who's Menelik II, The Sequel, now, cause when you get to be emperor, you get numbers after your name) figures it out right quick cause he tries to contact some of those European countries and they're like "Nuh uhn, you go get your daddy Italy and we'll talk to him" and he's like "the FUCK? I'm the fucking EMPEROR" and he goes and checks out that treaty one more time.
So Menelik's a smart dude, he doesn't call Italy right away.
Instead, he gets his shit together, gets some weapons here and there, talks to the other guys in the area and makes sure they're cool with him, and then, in 1893, is like, so Italy, what the fuck is up with this treaty?
You could get away with that kind of wait in the 1800s cause they didn't have cell phones or email or airplanes or shit.
So Italy's all, umm, I dunno, you fucking signed it. Guess you're SOL. Plus you're black, so its not like you could do anything about it, amirite?
So Menelik's like, nah, dude, not letting you get away with this shit. So they start going to war.
Shit's going back and forth, mostly with Italy pushing further and further into Abyssinia, when they get to this one place and have the Battle of Amba Alagi, in 1895, where a small Italian-led force got CREAMED by some of Menelik's generals.
So they run back, the Abyssinians even giving them their weapons and pack mules for transportation and entertainment, cause they want this shit to stop and they're trying to be nice about it.
The Italians pull back to Eritrea, and the two armies are pretty much just staring at each other until 1896.
Both armies are starting to run out of food and hookers, so the Italian general Baratieri is like, damn, we got to go back to Asmara and get our shit back together.
But his henchmen are like, no way, we can't be seen running away from black people, let's just, fuckin' go for it.
So they got it all set up at midnight on February 29th in a town called Adwa, to invade on March 1st.
The Italians didn't know Menelik had pretty much run out of food and hookers, and was planning on pulling back on the 2nd.
They also didn't count on the fact that he'd be up at ass-o'clock in the morning, asking God if this would be a good idea or not.
Well, instead of talking to God, he got to talk to one of his scouts, who told him about that big group of Italians coming down the way.
Menelik gets all his armies' collective shit together and everybody starts going at it at 6 in the morning.
Basically, the Italians fucked up in every way. They didn't use the good guns cause the good guns were expensive, their soldiers were all bored young Italian dudes who just didn't really give a shit, and, oh, they were outnumbered 5 to 1.
So the Italians got their asses handed to them.
This shit happens in war all the time, right? Yeah, but this was the first time in a DAMN long time, like, hundreds if not thousands of years, that white people got their asses totally handed to them by black people.
So Menelik could probably have pushed the Italians all the way out of Eritrea, but he pussied out. Everyone pretty much agreed he pussied out.
But the end result was, Abyssinia doesn't get colonized, Italy TOTALLY rethinks the whole 'colonies' thing, and over time, all the other African countries make the Europeans rethink the whole 'colonies' thing.
Thanks, Menelik. Even if you pussied out.

So that was the Battle of Adwa.

The end.

oh wait, this is history, there's no the end. Fast forward to around WWII, Mussolini is still pissed about the whole 'ass handed to them by black people' thing and invades Ethiopia FOR NO GOD DAMNED REASON. took em another 5 years to get rid of them.